Letting Go of Guardrails: How a Day of Freedom Transformed My Kids

Trusting our children’s independence can lead to surprising benefits—for them and for us.

My son, who will soon be 7, rode his bike to his friend’s house this past Sunday (0.3 miles and only one street to cross with a crosswalk light and we can watch him cross from our house) and played outside with a group of friends from 11am until 5:30pm. I rode my bike down to get him, he came home, and immediately played with his friend, who is 9 and lives next store, in our front yard into the dusk. 

That evening he was happy, didn’t complain about the shrimp teriyaki I made (usually ordering Mac n cheese instead - maybe successful at receiving it 5% of the time 😆) and fell asleep so fast I didn’t have a chance to tell him good night as I got the other two kids rounded up. 

He’s between the ages recommended by Jonathan Haidt for “The Age of Family Responsibility” (age 6) and “The age of local freedom” (age 8 ). 

Part of a middle of the road approach to this methodology is that he won’t be riding or walking beyond this friend’s house and isn’t ready to run local errands. 

We also live in a very safe neighborhood, in a small surprisingly connected community, in the suburbs of Spokane. 

I also tried to catch myself from automatically yelling “be careful” or trying to be a guardrail to my other kids - 2 and 4 - who were playing and maybe taking risks that could make them cry but wouldn’t injure them. 

Sometimes I think we parents provide these unnecessary guardrails that can be more psychologically injurious that if they were to fall or “get hurt” because we don’t want to hear them cry. 

Each time, I was about to say something, I tried to catch myself (didn’t every time since it’s almost become a habit) and thought, “what’s the worst that can happen?” It was usually they would cry- mostly from being surprised at falling more than how much it would hurt. 

By Sunday evening, I felt all three kids' moods were better than normal, they fought less, and there was a lot of laughing and acting silly- especially from the 2- and 4-year olds.

In summary, the biggest takeaway I had from this experience is that our kids are smart and more capable than we think. The next time you feel like being a guardrail to their curiosity and (minor) risk-taking, ask yourself, ‘what’s the worst that could happen and how likely is that to actually happen?’